Lessons in Love

I recently went on a fantastic date. He picked me up, we drove off literally in the sunset and arrived at private club where I would be introduced me to his old friends, we would enjoy the best food there is, dance to live reggae music and kiss under the moonlight. Dating is such a wonderful experience. I find it to be a mixture of possibility, uncomfortableness, vulnerability, reasoning, excitement, unpredictability, and so much more wrapped up into a few hours, days, weeks or months or years.

So why do many of us find dating difficult?

Dating is an exploration of ourselves in a way. It invites us to look deeply at who we are, what we value and how we are showing up in the present moment.

Let’s look at who we attract.

We are all looking for someone who is captivating, confident, nice to be around, and of course we all want to find someone who is in integrity and has a kind heart. But this search for a companion or a lifetime partner says a lot about our deep aspirations and insecurities. It is telling of what we feel we lack, what we value and how we relate with ourselves and the world.

Our past influences our present.

It’s impossible for this not to happen. We have all experienced trauma, misfortune, and disappointments. Perhaps we just went through a recent breakup, survived a terrible divorce, or we are fearful because of childhood disappointments. No matter what we think, these past experiences influence our choices, what we value and how we see ourselves. We are unconsciously and consciously focused on not letting these experiences happen to us again. Because of this, we place a high value on finding a person that is safe or we feel will not endanger us or break our heart.

Influenced by my past, I recreate it in the present.

When I am influenced by my past fears and stressors (things I have entangled with great emotion and concern) I create the very thing I am worried about. Science has proven that our thoughts and beliefs create our future. So what you are continually thinking about, is becoming your reality this very minute.

Competing beliefs prevent us from experiencing what we desire. We both want something different but worry if this new person will hurt us. This focused and concentrated attention on what we do not want to bring into our lives, is many times greater than the energy we are placing on creating new possibilities. This is how we get in our own way.

Confirmation bias is an ugly thing.

We all are trying to figure out if this person a good fit, telling the truth, in integrity, has a good heart and so on. Asking ten thousand questions, evaluating and re-evaluating, reasoning, justifying to figure this out are examples of looking for something that confirms our bias (or fears). If we look, we usually find something to confirm our bias. Instead, consider trusting yourself. We all have an inner voice that speaks to us when we get quiet and listen. Changing our outcome, requires the courage to listen deeply.

Finding Peace

Love (the real deal) is peaceful. Love is present. Love is understanding, kind and safe. You are automatically wired to be able to identify this. Evolutionary theory explains that the brain is wired to help us survive. Further neuroscience shows us that our autonomic nervous system automatically triggers a relaxation response or a stress response telling us if something is safe. Slow down, listen and trust yourself. The mind will automatically do its thing, evaluating, focusing on past fears but when you learn to slow down and listen deeply, you will find a peacefulness, a safety deep within. Don’t trust me. Listen and try it for yourself. Trust yourself, not me.

The road to success is paved with failure.

Remember, failure is necessary on the road to success. I have failed. In these experiences, I can see where I went wrong. I didn’t trust myself, I was drawn to what I thought I lacked. I have learned to listen to myself and not others, to trust that inner voice not others.

This may be the area I have failed the most in life, but as well, I have gained an enlightening amount about what love is and myself in these experiences.

I find dating a wonderful and rich experience of self discovery. When you find yourself (the peace within), you will be able to feel this in others. It’s not magic. It’s trust in yourself, relentless focus on this peace (love) within yourself and the courage to say no to all people that are not in integrity with this predictable presence, this inner peace.

Smile and open your heart and your mind. Real Love is within. It is you.