Recognizing Paralyzing Stress And What To Do About It

Walking into my son’s apartment I see the signs up paralyzing stress. The apartment is in complete disarray. The floor is covered with packing debris, the sink has dirty dishes and months of built up grime, cords are laying everywhere, clothes all over the floor, the shower grime disgusting, floors stained and dirty. I take one look and understand he is struggling. 

Movers are coming in 30 minutes to move his things, and very little it packed and organized. He’d been covering up his stress, or at least trying to, telling me he was making progress packing, that he was okay, and he didn’t need my help. As I asked when the movers were arriving, he started to get upset and raise his voice with me. At the same time he didn’t know what to do to. 

Stress has a way of paralyzing us, stopping us in our tracks. It’s impossible to be productive, to be positive. It’s hard to even get out of bed. This type of stress takes our energy and our confidence with it. I have been there and know exactly how this feels. It feels terrible, it’s humiliating and creates struggles day after day to get out of the mindset that is trapping us. This is why I meditate… it helps me to reset my mental and emotional state daily. It’s the only thing I have found that works every time I do it. (Here are some free mediations to help you)

This is not the first time I’ve seen this type of stress, nor will it be the last. 

In fact my daughter is going through the same thing. It’s funny how she can pretend everything is okay and go through the motions… as if it she was not stressed and nothing is wrong. I believe many of us are doing the same thing because we don’t know what to do, how to get out and where to turn right now.

As an executive coach, 90% of my clients from from C-suite, to directors, to staff are fearful of the future. Many are faced with loss of revenue that is necessitating layoffs, layoffs are instilling fear in staff, trust is down, honest communication is non-existent. Leaders have little time to right the ship with staff, because they are preoccupied with making critical decisions, juggling financial resources, and focusing on ways to innovate and reduce costs.

1. Stress drastically reduces productivity, confidence and positivity. 

My son was a clear example of reduced productivity, confidence, and positivity. Stress paralyzes us directly affecting the company bottom-line, even though we are pretending to say everything is okay and pretending we are managing just fine. Nothing is getting done, and it’s not going to change unless we make people feel loved, supported and help them with accountability. This stress can go on for days, weeks, months and longer if nothing is done about it. Executive coaching is a development tool that yields high ROI when applied to this challenge.

2. Our brains can intuit and feel other peoples stress - you can’t hide it. (Talking to all C-suite, V-suite and Directors here)

Our brain has the capacity to mirror what someone is feeling, their intentions, and how frazzled or relaxed they are. This ability to recognize others feelings and stressors is cultivated when you put yourself in a state of relaxed awareness. I call this a brain sync. Staff can tell when our communication is not congruent with our way of relating (tone, non-verbal cues, eye contract and presence). We all have an ability to silently or verbally check-in and it is critical to building trust and connection that is needed to get through these times. As leaders we need to manage our stressors to eliminate the contagion. 

Let’s be honest, and understand that we all need each other right now. 

Executives need to realize they need honest, realistic directors who can communicate what is going on. In order to know what is going on, directors need to honest bosses who know how to help staff and support them at every turn. There needs to be trust and connection, meaningful conversation. 

Remember, when you feel your boss or team mates are not being honest or are not there for you it creates distrust, desire to find a new job where someone does support you. When trust and support are not in place, everything gets a lot harder and tends to fall apart very quickly. Stress turns into bias, conflict, lost productivity, turnover, performance nightmares and even EEO complaints.

Note: The brain is designed with a negativity bias. We all have it. When we are not honest with each other, our brains sense the incongruence, this triggers us to make up a story with whatever data points we have. Next, we tend to believe the story, fact or fiction. So by not being honest with each other, understanding life is hard, we make it much worse.

What I’ve learned to be true, no matter whether I’m acting as a CEO, a mother or in personal relationships, when I slow down and sit with the feelings of fear of what will come in the future, the restlessness, angst and reactive perceiver (in me) disappears and I become an awareness of how I feel. Next, the fear automatically is replaced by a resolve and a desire to contribute to something bigger than me. It’s amazing, I don’t even try to transform this, it just happens when I accept how I am feeling. The resolve then begins to fuel my purpose - which is to realize how I am a cog or an important part in whole engine moving forward, not independently, but together. This is where I always land. Together, we all make it through, not separately.

My wish is that if you’re a leader, a director, assistant and would like support in affecting change in your team, reach out by emailing (mailto:[email protected]) me. I’ve had the privilege of working with companies and federal agencies from CNN to the Central Intelligence Agency, from the Mayo Clinic to Microsoft to the University of Texas to Bureau of Prisons. All the time helping them right the ship! This is my purpose, to give what I have received in my work in neuroscience at Harvard and with my guru in Eastern Philosophy. 

These tools are the only tools I have ever found that work.

Prescription for the week:

Over the next week, take a walk, slow down and give yourself permission to not know, to be okay with how things are just for the minute. And if you can not be okay with life as it is, see if you can be okay with not being okay. Also, notice someone in need, help them and see if this doesn’t begin your transformation. Remember, together not separate, we move forward.