The Root of Acceptance

I can be a terrible listener. In fact, many people that know me, believe I’m a better talker, than listener. But I have a secret. 

From a young age, and a product of being the youngest in the family, I was a natural observer (or listener). I would sit back and listen and observe everyone, everywhere, all the time. I would go along with what others chose. I would see their delight when they got what they wanted. I would sense their disbelief when things didn’t go as they anticipated. I found this fascinating. Almost a window into the soul of others. I learned I could feel what others were feeling by just sitting back and observing and being there.

Not only did I learn to watch their behaviors, I would listen carefully to the tone of their voice, their inflection, and the cadence of their speech. Funny thing I learned was that many people do not say what they really mean or wanted to say. They say what they think others want to hear. There was an incongruence. Something about this didn’t make sense to me as a young girl. To be honest, it intrigued me as to why a person would not say what they wanted to say.  Why would anyone say what they thought the other person wanted to hear? 

I quickly learned that pleasing others was at the root of acceptance. It made people feel good. Once I saw this, I saw it everywhere.  My early theory was that people found a greater value in gaining acceptance than from fulfilling their actual desires. Also, it seemed non-acceptance triggered stress in a person and changed the behavior of the non-accepted. 

This made me wonder. What I was learning was incredible. Human beings are very complex beings and I was hooked. I wanted to know more. What I realized was that “listening, was the very tool I was using to learn the inner workings of other people, how to motivate them, how to gain their trust and how I would fit in and survive in this world.” 

The day I became a terrible listener was the day I graduated from college. Faced with the stress of surviving on my own, I forget how to listen. I forget how much I learned from listening. 

My parents gave me one thousand dollars and said good luck at graduation. I felt in order to survive, I had to prove myself and that meant I better speak up for myself. Funny thing, when I started to speak up, to take control of my life and make things happen, out of fear of survival, I somehow stopped listening. 

My secret. The underlying fear in me, made it almost impossible to listen to others. This fear was forefront in my mind. It consumed me but at the same time I didn’t admit it. I didn’t let on or tell anyone that I was afraid, but I honestly didn’t know how to do this thing called survival on my own.  Do any of us really know?  I pretended that I had everything in control, while making decisions to hopefully ensure my success. Fear was in actuality, effecting my thoughts, my behaviors, my intentions, and my outcomes in all situations. I can’t help but wonder how many of us are controlled by fear now, unconsciously. At work, at home, in life in general. How many of our outcomes are being shaped by our fears, and how do we get out? 

As an executive coach, I listen for a living. I listen underneath the words that are said. And when I listen something beautiful happens, understanding makes way for acceptance, fears dissolve, and trust is created. This seems to unlock potential instantly in others allowing for new behaviors and attitudes to dominate over fear-based habits. 

Just listening, without needing to be anywhere else, for the pure reason of understanding the other. With no need to fix, alter or change anything. This is something we all can do for someone today. See if it changes anything. Do it without wanting something in return. You never know, you just might find what you are looking for when you listen lovingly to the other person and put your needs aside for an hour. 

This is love. Pure and honest. And if this doesn’t change the outcome - you’re not doing it right. What I learned from my guru, is that acceptance is love. And love changes everything, instantly. With love and devotion to making this a beautiful world.